Integritus Prime

Recently, I had some quality hangs with my brother from another mother, Dane Lee Morton, who calls himself a Global Peace Advocate. His method is Emotional Wellness, which eventually leads to Emotional Wisdom. At heart, his coaching approach is very practical: the idea is to use and develop your emotional portfolio to live a better, more human(e) life.

For example, if anger is something one feels often, and it causes one to shout at the person in front of them, Dane’s method would suggest one try a different tactic when anger arises.  Not that anger is bad but it has a place and purpose. You do not need to use anger to solve all challenges. One should be willing to explore a variety of emotional tactics for navigating the anxiety that leads to an anger response. Besides the emotional tactic of anger,  one could use an inquisitive pause before reacting.  Another tactical alternative to anger could be expressing surprise at the other person’s comments. You literally say, “that’s surprising”.

Dane and my work overlap in many areas, as we both coach leaders. I tend to focus on leaders who start off with a wellness or leadership challenges, and then we discover we need to uproot childhood trauma. Dane helps his clients develop emotional skill sets that they have not yet developed. Although we have different vocabularies and specific methods, our results are typically congruent: more emotionally healthy people who cultivate inner and outer peace even in chaotic situations. Dane is a friend and a titan in the world of coaching that I am excited to know.

Tip 1: Romance is like a partnered dance 

During our banter, Dane and I spoke about a range of emotions and discussed several examples. The tendency in romantic relationships, for instance, is to run away when one is afraid. Some of us tend to become fearful especially when we feel attacked – often emotionally and verbally. Dane’s advice includes to “run away inside” but stand your ground, which can be a powerful shift in our thinking. Later on in our discussions, he reframed romance completely. Instead of viewing romance as a source of attacks from which one needs protection, Dane suggested you think of romance as a partnered dance. Since I am a salsa dancer, this started to make sense to me.

Using me as an example, when I am at a salsa event, I am not “buttoned up” as Dane puts it. That means I’m open, sensual, receptive, and willing to dance and meet new people. I’m less serious, guarded, and skeptical. To bring a more open approach to my romantic life means to treat each date like a dance and see if we dance (date) well together; and to see if the shared communication, rhythm, flow, improvisation, and fun are worth repeating. If so, then I can come back for seconds, and if not, I can move on to another dance with a new partner. I realized that this would make dating and romance much more light-hearted and fun-loving for me, which is my dance personality. It would take me away from my past, and put me in a new future, with new tactics. In essence, Dane is asking me to merge my dance personality with the rest of me. No more dual Marilyn. Mind: blown.

Tip 2: Step forward to lead, step back with humility

Next, we spoke about born leaders who are afraid to lead fully for fear of becoming arrogant. One such leader I know of is averse to accolades and praise for his work. This stems from a lack of self-trust; this person is under the impression that he may succumb to his ego. My feedback was that I have no doubts about his integrity, so why does he? After this banter with Dane, I was able to use the same dance metaphor, applying it to this leader.

My suggestion, if I was to coach this person: treat your leadership like a partnered dance. Show up and offer your leadership, creating the effects and impacts you intend. When the recipients of your services shower you with praise, step back and allow that praise to fill the space between you and your recipients. Accept the feedback about your work, but don’t internalize it to feed the ego. In salsa dancing, this would equate to stepping back when your partner steps forward, to maintain your formation, and continue to flow together. Or, to step back and do your own styling before coming back into the partnered dance. This leader’s deeper task is to trust that when he’s dancing, he’s in complete integrity. He can’t help it if he’s badass as a leader and people want to praise him.

Most of us in giving professions tend to have blocks around receiving, and receiving praise is one of the ways we can assess how we’re doing. A few weeks ago it was my birthday and I was able to receive a lot of treats and pampering, whereas usually it feels quite uncomfortable. Using a metaphor like dancing helps us navigate these blocks and find balance so we can love and lead better.