Integritus Prime

Last week, I was examining the role of lifestyle in physical and mental wellness, and how important it is to eat well to combat anxiety, depression, PTSD, and more ills. Our GLOW Webinar has more.

Today I want to focus on a large part of my coaching work: trauma. I have clients who are struggling with the aftermath of abuse, including physical, emotional, verbal, and sexual abuse.

For this post, I’m interested in verbal abuse, because it can often get overlooked, but it is just as pernicious as physical or sexual abuse, because it messes up our self-worth and plays with our emotions. And, it doesn’t help that mainstream media romanticizes it.

A classic example of verbal abuse is from a person with narcissistic personality disorder, who would have the following characteristics:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance
• Preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
• Belief that one is special and can only be understood by or associate with special people or institutions
• A need for excessive admiration
• A sense of entitlement (to special treatment)
• Exploitation of others
• A lack of empathy
• Envy of others or the belief that one is the object of envy
• Arrogant, haughty behavior or attitudes

When we are in any kind of relationship with a narcissist, they might praise us in public, and then berate us in private. Everything is always about them, so whatever we say might be perceived as a threat or twisted into an attack against us. This behavior is unsubstantiated by any logic, so one would think that we could easily just say no, set our boundaries, and move on. Wrong. There are reasons we stay in these abusive relationships, be they at work or at home:

1. For one thing, we care about the abusive person, so we want to be able to stay in some sort of relationship with them.
2. If we are an empath, then maybe we want to help them, even if we see their harmful pattern.
3. If our self-esteem has any holes in it, we fall into the trap of believing them when they berate us, but trusting them when they praise us.
4. Because we trust this person, we begin to blame ourselves and look for ways to improve, but we are never good enough for the narcissist.
5. This leads to confusion and further erosion of our inner equilibrium, at which point the narcissist will continue to blame us for being too sensitive and ask us to move on as if nothing happened. When we make the mistake of believing them, we become more deeply hooked into their pattern.

It takes time, discernment, and strong boundaries to leave this type of unhealthy situation. It takes even more time to heal the emotional pain and the damage to one’s psyche. It helps to have compassion, to understand that this is a disorder, and to protect one’s own peace of mind by staying detached. A strong foundation of self-love and self-worth is necessary to overcome this type of experience without taking it personally.

Here’s my recommended approach to consider:

1. Check for abuse – here is an important checklist for how to approach a narcissist – the most important step is to check for abuse. If you are being abused, then it’s time to leave.
2. Get help – If you want to save the relationship, take them for professional help. A narcissist will rarely seek help because they have an inflated sense of self – they will tend to opt for denial. You could also go for help yourself to see if and how you can cope in the relationship.
3. Set boundaries – Set strong boundaries and enforce them. This is difficult because the narcissist will not want you to change your boundaries, as it would limit their control over you.
4. Have compassion – This disorder comes from abuse, and is a coping mechanism for extreme vulnerability. The person often is very fearful, insecure, and angry inside, and has developed this abusive way of coping. Being compassionate doesn’t mean sticking around to be abused though.

Essentially, with verbal abuse, the violence is just as damaging as with any other kind of abuse. We tend to absorb the violence and must spend time clearing it out of our system. If you’ve experienced verbal violence, like I have, feel free to share your perspectives with me – you might end up helping someone out there who could benefit from your experience.