10-Point Checklist: Is This Person Toxic?
Recently, I made a video on Mornings with Marilyn called “What makes a person toxic?” As it turns out, we all have trauma, and what makes a person toxic is unhealed trauma pent up within that is spilling out without any filter. It comes out in unhealthy ways, through self-abusive habits such as drugs, alcohol, overeating or eating disorders, and in the abusive treatment of others: lying, cheating, manipulating, abusing, and controlling.
Toxic people are either subconsciously that way, or consciously and deliberately choosing to harm themselves and others. Some might even get a kick out of it. Of course, it’s important to have compassion for toxic people because they are suffering, and all of us have probably been toxic at some point in our lives as we grappled with traumatic behavior patterns. However, to protect ourselves, since we can’t change anyone except ourselves, we must set strong boundaries and remove ourselves from harm.
First, it’s important to be able to discern a person that is exhibiting toxic tendencies. Here is a 10-point checklist that will help you, based on my experience as a life coach:
- Playing victim: The person will consistently choose to spin situations so that they are the victim, even when and especially when they are wrong.
- Blaming you for their feelings and triggers: they try to hold you accountable for their emotions and reactivity.
- Manipulating and controlling: They seek to control everything, even that which is not within their control.
- Pessimistic: They have a hard time being positive, and bring complaints to any and every situation.
- Shifting Responsibility: They expect you to solve every problem that comes up while not taking any responsibility for how they contributed to the problem or how to fix it.
- Stuck in the past: They live in the past and keep bringing it up and evaluating everything that happens based on what happened to them before.
- Projecting: They tell you that you are doing what they are doing, so if they are being paranoid, they say that you are the paranoid one.
- Comparing: They constantly compare themselves to you and build jealousy and resentment.
- Criticizing: They criticize you in passive-aggressive ways, projecting their inner critic onto you.
- Adversarial: They frame situations as “us and them” and you are always the bad guy.
This checklist should help you discern and steer clear of people who are either habitually toxic in a subconscious way or deliberately toxic. Set strong boundaries and don’t take in the negative energy – it’s not you, it’s them. If you are the toxic one – then get help to change your ways – stop harming yourself and others.
Of course, sometimes it’s not easily possible to leave the situation or the person – the toxic person could be a parent, spouse, close friend or sibling. In such cases, IF and only if the toxic person admits that they are acting in unhealthy ways, the relationship could be salvaged through therapy. If the person refuses to admit to their toxic behavior, then strong boundaries are the only option if you’d like to stay in the relationship. Even so, often people get drained and feel down when living with toxic people – it is important to find avenues to support yourself too, such as therapy, trusted friends, or a support group.
Share with me your experiences of toxic people and how you navigated.
