Integritus Prime

I’ve been reflecting on people I’ve encountered, both recently and some time ago. Specifically, a pattern emerged around how they behave and how it leaves me feeling. One morning I woke up with a list of characteristics and I saw the pattern more clearly. Sometimes “help” can come in harmful ways.

The toxic helper is someone who is propelled to help others, but the ways in which they do it can cause more negative than positive results. Here are 10 ways to know if you are dealing with a toxic helper:

1. They don’t listen. You will find that they hardly listen to a word you are saying because they like to talk. They can talk for hours, and their talk is usually about their experiences, their knowledge, and how much they are making a difference in the world.
2. They interrupt. They will interrupt you to continue their monologues. You will find yourself shut down repeatedly, and eventually become annoyed or frustrated.
3. They think they know better. When you do get a word in here and there, they will counter you with their own opinions, and try to change your mind.
4. They have a structure they operate within. They live in a well-defined box – it could be religion, therapy, or some other practice – and they tend to criticize other practices. Their practice and structure is the best. They will want to convert you to their ways.
5. They sound superior. While they preach humility, their tone speaks of their sense of superiority. They have lived life and they know what it’s all about. They are here to help others from this place of “I’m better than you”.
6. They have it all figured out. They have all the answers. They don’t really ask questions, because they feel they already know. They become uncomfortable when you point out discrepancies and cognitive dissonance in what they say versus what they do.
7. They use money for power. They tend to be financially abundant, and use those funds to help others in need. This gives them a sense of power and control.
8. They have deep insecurity. They speak of how benevolent and humble they are, as a subtle way of boasting. This comes from a deep insecurity of not being good enough. They project a very strong personality, which protects their wounded inner child.
9. They have deep trauma. Their insecurity is due to unhealed trauma, which is driving their behavior to rescue and help others. They need help to dig deep so they can heal, but because they have attached themselves to the persona of the rescuer, their own inner work is lacking. Their nonstop speech prevents them from slowing down enough for this self-inquiry.
10. They are closed minded. They think they have found the “right” path, so other options are not of interest to them. They do not examine your suggestions and are quick to discount other’s opinions. This dangerous bias drives them to want to “help” more and more people within their structure, without feeling the need to do more inner work.

In my experience, it is important to have compassion for people who are behaving in these ways. We can all probably relate because we have all probably been toxic at some point in our lives. But once we recognize another person’s toxic traits harming us, it’s important to keep a distance, because it can be exhausting to be on the receiving end of such “help”. These more subtle toxic traits are signals of trauma, similar to my previous post on toxic traits. Also, you may want to check out this helpful list from one of my favorite companies, BetterUp.

It also helps to remember that no one can be helped until they are open, ready, willing to do the work, committed to the process of their inner healing, and asking for help. Sometimes, people who ask for help may not be able to receive it, due to trauma.

Share your experiences with subtle toxicity and let’s learn together.