Integritus Prime

Recently, I was on a UN Women-European Union panel discussing gender-based violence in Fiji. The statistics, to the extent we can obtain them, are staggering. Almost 2 out of 3 women in Fiji experience physical or sexual violence in their lifetime. From some of the work I am currently undertaking, I understand that child abuse is also on the rise. Many of my clients have experienced some form of violence: physical, sexual, emotional, and verbal. I have also experienced all of these from the age of two till now.

The panel took a brief look at various perspectives on the problem, with representatives from government, faith-based organization, sport, and an intergenerational feminist organization. My role was to shed light on behavioral science perspectives.

Some highlights for me included meeting some powerful women who are survivors, being on a well-balanced panel, and discussing trauma with a wide audience face-to-face and on national television.

In this post, I want to capture everything I would have liked to have said, but could not due to time constraints, based on three central questions.

1. From a behavioral science perspective, why do you think gender-based violence continues to persist in Fiji despite awareness campaigns?
   • Awareness alone often doesn’t change behavior. This is because violence has become very deeply ingrained into the psyche and body of the perpetrators.
   • Let’s take one example of a perpetrator. Let’s call him Joe. Joe was five years old when his Uncle Ricky started to spend time alone with him. Uncle Ricky gained the trust of all the family, and then started to “groom” Joe by giving him lollies and other treats. Then Uncle Ricky started molesting Joe. Eventually, over the years, there was penetrative rape. Joe was threatened that if he ever spoke about what was happening, he would be beaten severely and sent away. Joe was also told that these episodes of sexual assault were actually what love looks like. So, Joe had a warped sense of what love is – love is abuse mixed with material gifts.
   • Joe suppressed all his anger, confusion, pain, frustration, and many other emotions, for years.
   • Add another layer to Joe’s terrifying situation: Joe’s Dad beat his Mom, his sister, and him, whenever he flew into a rage or was drunk, which could be daily. Violence was a norm in the family.
   • Another layer here is the Pacific cultural, religious and other influences – the teachings are never to speak about shameful things, just sweep them under the carpet; reconcile no matter how bad it gets; and to submit to your husband.
   • Yet another layer is the toxic patriarchy – boys are told never to cry, because emotions are weak, and girly. Joe was also told to be strong and be a provider. He could play sports to vent his aggression, but never speak about his vulnerabilities. More suppression for Joe. Women and girls were taught to stay in abusive relationships, and never leave because it’s a sign of failure. Women were told to take care of everyone around them. His mom never retaliated to the abuse she faced, so Joe absorbed the fact that it’s okay to hit women and girls. He started hitting his little sister whenever his rage took over.
   • When Joe became a teenager, and his hormones started raging, he became hyper-sexualized, and already knew how to commit rape, because it was normalized to him when he was aged 5 and for several years.
   • Now, as an adult, Joe is sexually and physically abusing his wife and child.
   • If he sees a poster, listens to a radio show, or browses a website about gender-based violence – it may resonate with him, but it may not be enough to change his behavior, because violence and boundary violations through rape, are some of the first things that happened to him. Violence is deeply embedded. Awareness alone won’t cause the transformation that is needed. We need a much stronger approach.
2. What approaches are you using to bring out lasting change in attitudes towards gender-based violence?
   • As I mentioned, awareness alone isn’t enough. I have a three-pronged approach that is based on my own frameworks, books, and experience as a survivor of child abuse and survivor of gender-based violence. I work mainly with survivors, although I have done a little work with perpetrators.
   • Step 1: I make short videos online in which I speak about the behavior patterns of trauma resulting from abuse. This allows my audience to learn more about how abuse happens, how trauma patterns can take control of our day-to-day lives, and what the vocabulary is so we can begin to speak about these painful issues in safe ways.
   • Step 2: I have a behavioral coaching service, where I coach leaders from all walks of life. We unpack the client’s trauma patterns, find the root causes, and use tools that bring healing. Over time, clients become empowered, and take charge of their lives. They leave toxic and abusive situations, and set boundaries. They raise their self-esteem, self-worth, confidence, and improve their self-talk.
   • Step 3: I teach courses based on my self-help books. Courses include topics like self-love, trauma pattern recognition, and identity and belonging. Courses provide an expanded safe space with a few other people, where each student can share their experiences without judgment. Courses systematically build empowerment and instill new habits. They last anywhere from 7 weeks to 8 months, allowing time for behavior change.
3. What steps can individuals take, starting today, to change their behaviors and attitudes toward gender-based violence?
   • Step 1 is to begin with yourself. Start to notice your own trauma patterns, and get professional help to work through whatever is holding you back. Ensure that you find the right person to work with, and don’t hesitate to change your therapist or coach if it’s not a good fit. A coach should never judge you or force you into an action you don’t want to take. Share your pain, tell your story. Work to change your own behavior. Break the stigma and the silence. This is some of the hardest work you will ever do, but it’s also the most rewarding. Take courage, because nothing changes unless you do. And take heart: you are not alone in this journey.
   • Step 2 is to dismantle the patriarchy in your life, work and family, to the extent possible. Let boys know they can cry and express emotions safely. Let girls know they don’t have to be caregivers, they can also be assertive, set boundaries, and do self-care. Ensure that household chores are divided fairly, and everyone is treated equally and given equal opportunity at work. This is a huge effort to change social norms, and may take time, but we can all do our part daily.
   • Step 3 is to situate yourself in the movement to stop gender-based violence. Are you a survivor? An ally? A perpetrator? Figure out how you can help in this cause to stop the cycle of generational abuse that has been passed down to us. It is up to us to change this for good, and make Fiji, and the world, a safe place where women and children are never abused again.

I wanted to make a special mention of those who are in the LGBTQIA+ communities in Fiji and beyond. Often, because these people do not fit into the binary structure of the patriarchy, they are considered outcasts, and horrendous acts of violence are perpetrated against them. They are some of the most vulnerable, along with women and girls with disabilities. We must begin to realize that gender and sexual orientation are on a spectrum. Each person has the right to be and to express who they are safely. We must continue to co-create a world where it’s safe to explore and be exactly who you are. This is our responsibility – each and every one of us deserves to be loved safely.

The first step is to examine ourselves – what biases, traumas, and pain are we carrying? Share with me your journey and where you are now in the process of empowering yourself to create a world in which we can eliminate gender-based violence.