Integritus Prime

Of all places, I learned on TikTok about a film from June 2022 called Good Luck to You, Leo Grande, starring the inimitable Emma Thompson. I was intrigued and promptly decided to watch it – and it’s pretty ground-breaking on so many levels: self-love, body positivity, non-judgmental attitudes, patience, compassion, sex, trauma, and pleasure.

Let’s unpack just a few things from this masterpiece. Spoilers galore.

Emma Thompson plays a retired, widowed school teacher, a religious education teacher to be precise, named Susan Thompson. She uses a fake name (Nancy) to hire a male sex worker named Connor, who uses the name Leo Grande. They have four meetings, three of which are in her hotel room over time, and the fourth in the hotel restaurant to begin with.

In those four meetings, these two characters get to know each other, and pretty soon both their emotional baggage comes spilling out. Susan/Nancy shares details of her sex life with her husband and to date, only sex partner. In her account, we learn that he would penetrate her with almost zero foreplay, engaging in missionary sex and then be done with the act. She had never experienced an orgasm and had no hope of ever having that experience. No oral sex, and no other sexual positions or experimentation.

Hence, she was extremely nervous, but also judgmental about her choice to hire Leo. She almost didn’t go through with the act of sex on the first meeting with Leo, but his gentleness and patience helped her to relax enough to engage with him.

Through her prompting, we learn that Leo’s mother kicked him out of the house after walking in on him with his friends in a compromising sexual act. We suspect Leo is bisexual, as he has male and female clients. Leo tells his family a fabricated story about working on an oil rig.

The two protagonists get into a heated argument when Nancy/Susan sleuths her way to finding out Leo’s real name. Leo walks out.

Nancy invites Leo to their last meeting in the hotel restaurant to apologize to him and thank him for educating her about sex and pleasure without judgment. She tells him her real name.

In their last meeting, Nancy/Susan encounters one of her former students, now a waitress in the hotel restaurant. Leo lies about why they are meeting but later, after Nancy/Susan apologizes to the waitress, and fully discloses her reasons for being there and her specific connection to Leo. She apologizes for calling the waitress a slut due to short skirts in school. She explains the importance of pleasure and nonjudgment. While the waitress’s mouth hangs open, Susan and Leo head upstairs to enjoy their last meeting.

After many sexual positions, Susan stimulates herself to her very first orgasm while admiring Leo’s naked body. The last scenes show Susan admiring her naked, imperfect body in the mirror, and touching herself.

In analyzing this film, I was floored by the masterful treatment of how women, especially women of Susan’s age and era – in their 50s and 60s, internalize and embody patriarchy. Revealing clothing, flirting, sex, female pleasure, and so much more is seen as dirty or otherwise negative or simply non-existent. Once Susan experiences her first orgasm, she is able to see the power of pleasure in a positive way. She learns to love and accept herself exactly as she is, and to be grateful for her learning.

My three takeaways from this must-see film are these:

1. Pleasure isn’t bad, the toxic patriarchy is: there is nothing inherently wrong about pleasure. In religious and patriarchal contexts, women are labeled as evil, sex objects, seductresses, witches and worse. It is the patriarchal view of women as temptresses that is at the root of all the double standards around sexual pleasure. Men can have multiple sex partners and be labeled studs, while women who do the same are sluts. Rape culture shows us that women are always at fault, and that sexual violence is a norm and it can be excused or even condoned to keep women in line. This dangerous thinking is another root of why women aren’t safe to explore their sexualities, either in their relationships or beyond, or even as sex workers, which Nancy and Leo discuss briefly. Of course, we have come a long way from such notions in some respects, but these ideas still lurk in many societies, robbing women of their right to explore their bodies and pleasure in safe and nonjudgmental ways.
2. Judgment without experience is dangerous delusion: Nancy’s aversion to her own choice to hire a sex worker evidences strong negative judgments that almost overpower her. Despite never having tried oral sex, for example, she is so overcome by the notion that she might not be good at it, or like it, or perform well, that she almost doesn’t try it. Her judgments, cemented by internalized patriarchy and religion, leave her unable to be present to explore pleasure. It is only with Leo’s gentle nudging that she is able to eventually do so – it is no mistake that Leo is much younger and effortlessly at ease with himself, his body, and his sexuality. He represents what is possible when we can experience pleasure safely. Indeed, he says he does this work to experience people in surrender and joy. He loves to facilitate these states.
3. Compassion is a healing power: Despite their respective baggage and the ways in which they trigger each other, Nancy and Leo both show heartfelt compassion toward each other. This compassion allows both of them to heal, open their hearts, and accept themselves as they are. This is a powerful outcome in the film, and so it is in real life too. When we embrace ourselves with kindness, compassion and self-love, we open to being limitless in our ability to be authentic human beings.

As we navigate a world in which gay rights, women’s rights, and so much more is still at risk, it is important to acknowledge the power of being open to other’s perspectives, and to loving our bodies and honoring their needs. It is possible to engage sexually without harming anyone, and to experience pleasure without harmful judgments. And, this pleasure can lead us to spiritual awakening and empowerment. Ultimately, it is important to practice self-compassion, and compassion for others, for we are all grappling with our inner demons.