Integritus Prime

Recently, I’ve been reflecting a lot on different interactions I’ve had with people, especially as a customer. As an entrepreneur, I’m quite sensitive to my own customers and clients, and always focus on ensuring I’ve met their needs and requests.

As a customer, it irks me when other entrepreneurs, vendors, and companies don’t care about my purchases and requests. Their lack of response, or “whatever” attitude really comes across as toxic and it rubs me the wrong way, perhaps because I’m so different as a service provider.

At the end of the day, I choose not to buy from them in the future, so they are the ones who lose out.

Over time, I’ve begun to notice patterns of self-sabotage in these types of interactions. I’ll give you three examples:

1. Lack of priority – “I forgot.” I ordered a product that I liked, and was a repeat customer. On more than one occasion, I noticed the entrepreneur not bothering to deliver on time, or getting the order wrong. One time, they were delayed by two days, and when I queried them after multiple interactions and them missing their own preferred delivery time, they said, “Oh, I forgot.” That was the last straw for me, and I’ve stopped buying their product. Their lack of attention to service is a means of sabotaging their growing business, and it feels toxic to me because my choice to support their small business has no appreciation or respect.
2. Lack of care – “We (don’t) value your business.” I ordered a gift hamper to be delivered to a family member. Not only did the company miss the occasion, they delivered the perishable product the next day, left it in the sun, and left without any communication with the recipient. When I called and queried, they did not give a concrete reason for this terrible service. Much later, once I’d already made up my mind never to use their service again, they mentioned (vaguely) they were undergoing changes, and they offered a discount for a future purchase, which I declined. This felt toxic to me because of the clear lack of empathy and regret for missing my family member’s birthday, and the lack of integrity in terms of giving clear reasons for dropping the ball. I stand by my decision to take my business elsewhere – they clearly prefer to hurt their business instead of being honest and sincerely apologetic.
3. Lack of communication – “…” I recently chose to support a fellow small business owner, by ordering their products. They informed me it would be delayed by a day, but they didn’t show up the next day for delivery, or the day after that, or the day after that…you get the idea. There was no message or call in response to my follow up. Again, a clear indication that my choice to support their business was not important enough to them to send a message. This isn’t the first time, and last time, I reached out and called the person into a conversation about it. This time, I am reminded that this is not my self-sabotage pattern, so I can move on and support other small businesses where my time and support is respected.

People often say to me that they don’t have trauma. But I invariably find that underneath many instances of toxic behavior, there’s an ongoing pattern that comes from some lingering fear, resentment, or other emotion that is linked to an adverse childhood experience. And that is not for me to investigate and heal, but it can feel toxic to be on the receiving end of this kind of behavior. It is irrational and sabotages those who behave in this way. It’s important, if you find yourself dealing with such people, to disentangle and move on. Remember: this is not about you. Not everyone chooses to do their inner work, and it can impact you negatively if you take it personally.

The tricky part is when those who exhibit toxic behaviors are family or other loved ones. We need to make sure we have boundaries that are bullet proof, and navigate authentically, not based on our own patterns.

Share with me your experiences with self-sabotage – yours or someone else’s – and let’s keep learning.