Integritus Prime

Sometimes, we cannot leave an abusive relationship. It could be because we are the only people who can take care of the person. They could be an elder, a parent, a sibling, or an adult child. Living with an abuser is a complex undertaking. In this post I want to focus on emotional, mental, and verbal abuse.

Most perpetrators, based on my experience, are not abusive all the time. They are also loving, kind, helpful, generous, and can seem like “nice” people from time to time. However, they have their moments when they gaslight, manipulate, demean, and engage in other kinds of mental, emotional, and verbal abuse. The combination is very damaging in parents, because as children we associate love with abuse.

I want to make this point clear: for adults who are abusers, it is their responsibility to change their behavior. It’s also true that many abusers never will. Most will not acknowledge there’s anything wrong with them, especially if they have a mental illness, because they don’t have the capacity to change things or even discern accurately.

As adults who are living with abusers, once we get help and begin to unpack and heal from our trauma, it can still be difficult to be around abusive family members and loved ones. We may want to break free completely, but we may not be able to for various reasons. Typically, it may be because we are too young to leave the home, or not financially independent, or they are too old to be left alone, or differently abled and need our support.

Caregiving for an abusive person is a special kind of torture, because as you provide care, you receive abuse. As a coach, I would never recommend putting yourself in a situation where you enable someone else to abuse you. And yet, in caregiving situations, such a scenario can easily be present. In such cases, it is crucial to know how to handle living with an abuser.

I have three tips. They are simple to convey but often excruciatingly difficult to maintain.

1. Stay authentic. It can be tough not to fall into roles and patterns, especially with family. We must remember to stay true to our boundaries, say no to abuse, point out when behavior becomes abusive, and choose not to engage in it. When we do this repeatedly, we signal to the abuser what we will not stand for, and what we do stand for. While they may still not change their behavior, they will understand that their tactics will no longer affect us. This is freedom from the game and we can live in the knowledge that we are setting a standard for what we will accept in relationships.
2. Transcend. This can be a crucial yet arduous step. What I mean is that when we choose to live with an abuser, it can be hard to set boundaries and enforce them. We have no control over the abuser’s choices and words. If the abuser is differently abled or aging or has a chronic condition, or chronic pain, our best bet might be to understand, have compassion, and not take their abusive behavior personally. This would require a lot of detachment, which is difficult to achieve with a loved one, because we are emotionally involved. I recommend finding a practice that helps, such as meditation or prayer. 
3. Take frequent breaks. It can be difficult to juggle caregiving with other responsibilities, such as family, work, and upkeep of your home. However, it is critical to take breaks and be away from the abuser for periods of time, to restore your energy and mental balance.
4. Get support. It’s essential to have other caregivers so you’re not carrying the load alone. It’s best to find trained persons who can help you take care of the abuser when you are away, and even when you’re there. Also, it’s vital to get therapy, coaching, or counseling so you have a qualified and neutral person you can share your experiences with and receive validation and support.

Share with me your tactics for living with an abusive person. And, stay strong.