Integritus Prime

I just watched a new film called Kho Gaye Hum Kahan (Where Did We Get Lost, or Where Did We Lose Ourselves) on Netflix. The trend I noticed in 2023, with many films carrying a theme around childhood or adult trauma, continues with this film (spoiler alerts start here).

The film has three main characters, Imaad, Ahana and Neil. Imaad is a stand-up comedian who lost his Mom when he was nine. Ahana works for a corporation in which she does all the work for her supervisor, who takes all the credit. Neil is a personal trainer who wants to open up his own gym someday.

The film revolves around the work and love lives of these three friends. Imaad and Ahana are platonic roommates, while Neil lives with his parents. All three use social media for different reasons: Imaad has one-night stands via Tinder, while Ahana uses Instagram to stalk her ex-boyfriend and lure him back, and Neil tries to improve his popularity as a personal trainer using Instagram.

As you watch this film, you wonder if you’re wasting your time because it might just be about how they navigate their relationships. But all the while there is a mysterious undercurrent around why Imaad is so commitment-phobic. Sub-themes revolve around why Ahana is so insecure and chasing her ex-boyfriend by posting sexy pictures of herself on Instagram when she is so accomplished – including a degree from Harvard; there is also a huge discontent within Neil and he often takes it out on his parents.

Eventually, you learn that trauma is indeed the root cause of why Imaad cannot commit emotionally, even when he meets Simran, an older woman he really likes. It is a typical trauma pattern for those who are sexually abused at a young age to become promiscuous as adults – Neil calls Imaad a sex addict. We learn that he was repeatedly abused sexually by his father’s drunk friend, while his father unknowingly slept. Through this revelation, the three characters’ bonds become stronger, and they each decide to change their outlook on life. I derived three trauma-related tips from this film, one from each character:

1. Speak your truth – Imaad illustrates that until we own our traumatic past and tell our story, we cannot begin to be free of it. He shares what happened to him during a stand-up comedy set, and shows his true power through his absolute vulnerability.
2. Stop comparing – Through Ahana, we learn that comparing ourselves with others undermines our inherent worth and uniqueness. She manages to lure back her ex only to be hurt by a one-night stand after which he goes right back to his new girlfriend. It is only by recognizing our value that we teach others to value us.
3. Appreciate what you have – Neil confronts his influencer “girlfriend” who has been using him for company and hiding him from her social media presence, while she publicly starts seeing a wealthy client. He outs her by hacking into her Instagram account. Neil learns through Imaad’s experience that he should focus on the real relationships he has, instead of always wanting the greener grass, which is an illusion. Neil focuses on appreciating his parents and transforms their family vibe into a much happier one.

The film confirms to me that many of our behavior patterns and relationship woes stem from trauma. Without going to the root of the matter, real change remains elusive. The film also shows how social media can amplify our trauma-driven behaviors, often with dire consequences. I continue to be excited that films in mainstream spaces are addressing trauma – we all need to share what was done to us and heal so we can be free to be who we really are. Share with me your examples, and let’s learn together.