Integritus Prime

Elderly people may often care more about appearances than reality because of the era in which they were raised. In the past they probably hid illicit affairs and perceived taboos, like poverty or abuse. In particular, as aging adults, they may want to hide their injuries and ailments because they don’t want to become a burden on their loved ones. The paradox, of course is that by hiding their real condition, they are in danger of becoming more at risk, because caregivers are less prepared to care for them when they don’t know what is actually going on. However, the desire to not be a burden is a leading cause of hiding ailments, especially things like falls and medical conditions. As this article sums up:

Many elders cover up bruises, don’t tell anyone about falls or accidents, downplay money troubles, or even hide their alcohol use in the hopes that they can continue living independently. Each competent person has a right to make their own decisions—good and bad—about how they want to live. But when our aging loved ones keep secrets like these, they actually put themselves in danger, increasing the likelihood that they’ll have to rely on others to care for them.

10 Secrets Elderly Parents Keep from Their Families
Marilyn Sharbach Ladew

It is a tricky situation because as people age, they also come to fear their loss of memory and independence. They fear slowing down. The fear also comes with some measure of denial and resistance. This can make it hard to navigate aging in a healthy way. So, fear of the effects of aging is another one of the reasons elderly people lie about their well being. They may become rebellious and more active, defying the limits their bodies are warning them about and endangering themselves through more risky behaviors.

A third reason elderly people might lie is to save face. They may feel embarrassed about their failing abilities, and want to appear stronger than they are or to avoid their adult children having to take charge because they still see their children as children. Their denial may push them to do more than they are capable of, often forcing injuries and perpetuating misjudgments. This is why I think older generations care more about the appearance of stability and normalcy, even when it is obvious that they are changing as they age, which is a natural phenomenon.

My approach to life is to face things head on, and to problem solve to improve safety and quality of life. I guess this approach isn’t compatible for those who prefer to hide the truth, because of their fear.

Patriarchy can also be a cause for hiding ailments. Elderly people may insist that they don’t want to worry their loved ones, as if they can decide what is worrisome and what is not. They feel as if they can control for others what is important to share and what is not – regardless of agreements or promises made. According to a trusted friend, sometimes the agreement or promise is made just to give you the illusion of agreement so the caregiver can back off, and the elderly person can continue to live in their illusion.

In general, I find that the difficulty of watching loved ones age is heart-breaking enough. To add to that the deception, manipulation and secrecy is even worse. It is not a way I would choose to live. I choose truth and teamwork. However, one cannot work in a team unless there is consent. It can be difficult for caregivers because every attempt to minimize risk becomes a battle. While caregivers may strive for safety, minimizing risk, and optimizing quality of life, the aging person’s priorities might center around wanting to make it seem like everything is okay, even when it isn’t.

So, in summary, four of the reasons elderly people might lie, that I have experienced, include:

1. Fear of becoming a burden
2. Fear of losing independence
3. Saving face
4. Patriarchal characteristics like control

Sadly, in many situations, people in both the aging and caregiving situations feel isolated. There is always help if we reach out, whether it’s to a trusted friend or a therapist. Share your experiences and allow yourself to be supported – neither situation is easy. The obstacle with seeking help is if the elderly are in denial, they will not admit to needing help and they are usually of the opinion that mental health issues are a source of stigma, so they don’t seek out therapy. It is then critical for the caregiver to seek out the help they need to manage the situation.

Also, aging can be a time of incredible transition and joy too if we are able to accept the changes and transcend the ego. Denial, resistance, fear, and rebellion complicate the situation, creating conflict and disharmony within and betwween loved ones. We can learn much from meditative and contemplative practices, such as meditation, journaling, reflection, and most of all, self-love as we go through these changes.