Integritus Prime

Anytime I start to see a behavioral pattern, I investigate. Recently, I’ve been putting together the pieces of what I call “Being told you’re wrong by someone who wasn’t even there” syndrome. My research turned up some interesting information, but first, let’s get to some examples of situations where this could happen.

1. You’re wrong about that person – Let’s say you are working with someone, and your friends attack you, saying this person is wrong for you. They are vehement and judgmental, and cut you off when you don’t agree. This happened to me when I started volunteering to help a reforming incarcerated person write and publish books.
2. Your feelings are wrong – When you are treated unfairly and become upset, you might be further chastised by the offending person, and you may realize your feelings aren’t valid for this person. This has happened to me several times by friends. After some time, I decided these people do not belong in my friendship circle.
3. That wasn’t your experience – What if you went through something difficult, and someone tried to convince you that your experience was something else, not what you know it was? This happened to me recently, where I was treated in racist ways. I was told by a friend that my experience was wrong, and she then proceeded to defend the racist parties, even though she wasn’t there, and had no facts first-hand.

Needless to say, these experiences left me flabbergasted. How could people know I was wrong, without being in my shoes? Why were they so devoid of empathy? Why were they attacking me, dismissing my experiences, and interfering in my life with their assumptions, opinions, and judgments, all the while rejecting my account of my experiences?

To get to the bottom of this pattern, I began to research these behaviors. What I found out really helped me put into perspective what I was experiencing. Check this out:

Emotional invalidation often happens when you’re expressing your feelings or talking about an experience. People often invalidate someone because they’re unable to process that person’s emotions. They might be preoccupied with their own problems or not know how to respond in the moment. Invalidation can also be used as an argument strategy. It gives the appearance of supporting the way someone feels, while distancing or avoiding taking responsibility for their role in those emotions. Emotional invalidation can look like blaming, name calling, and problem-solving before understanding the other person’s experience. Playing down another person’s experience is another way to invalidate.

What is Emotional Invalidation? Written by Brittany Carrico

It was starting to make sense to me. People who invalidated my experiences did so in each of the three situations, either because they had no bandwidth to process what I was doing or going through, or because they were quick to judge and blame.

There’s more. I realized that those who attacked my account of what happened were also finding it hard to trust me. Trust is an issue in their lives because of past betrayal, so they can’t take me at my word, and probably others too. So, instead they keep arguing and creating other scenarios to refute mine. They have no empathy, and want to control the situation, even though it may have nothing whatsoever to do with them. This behavior pattern, I have come to realize through my coaching experience, comes from past betrayal. A chronic refusal to trust unless there is first-hand evidence, comes from trusting and being betrayed so badly that you lost everything, as can happen with power of attorney breaches, or divorces.

The bottom line? Each of these cases is about people who haven’t healed their past trauma and are projecting their coping mechanisms onto me. Even though I may be comfortable engaging in projects or speaking out against unfair treatment, they aren’t, and it irritates their demons, so to speak. Usually, triggers speak to us about unhealed emotional wounds.

In each situation, I had to validate my own emotions, and stand up for myself because I know who I am, what I’m doing, and why. I realized I do not need others to validate my emotions for me, although it definitely hurts when loved ones dismiss my experience. I am grateful to those loved ones who validated my emotions and served as sounding boards to me.

I am glad to be able to navigate this as an adult and see trauma patterns. Children who have grown up in invalidated environments tend to suppress their emotions, become confused about who they are, and may even develop borderline personality disorder.

I suspect the people who have been attacking me were told their feelings were wrong, hence it might feel familiar and normal for them to do the same to me. Suppression and invalidation become norms when that’s what you consistently experience in childhood. Distrust becomes a norm when you’ve experienced massive betrayal.

I feel I’ve come to some core reasons for being told I am wrong about my own experiences. It’s because others cannot fit my experiences into their minds due to their coping mechanisms. They were not allowed to feel and express their distresses as children, so their emotional wounds get triggered. This fills me with sadness and compassion, but I also feel it is important to set boundaries because I don’t want to be around people who continue to treat me in this harsh way and don’t seek help for the ways in which their past wounds are hurting their loved ones in the present. After all, I am the gatekeeper for what kind of treatment I allow in my life.

I have found that it’s important, when you are being invalidated, to:

1. Realize the person is perhaps acting from a trauma pattern or unhealed wound;
2. Not take it personally;
3. Validate your own emotions and experiences;
4. Set strong boundaries to avoid further unfair treatment.

I hope this post has been useful. Let me know what your experiences have been with being invalidated and how you navigated this.