Integritus Prime

I’ve noticed in the last several workshops I’ve facilitated, that feminists, like the rest of us, have internalized patriarchal ways of being. Indeed, I wrote about it in the last of my Bridgerton posts. And, we are often unaware of the fact that we are embodying the toxic patriarchy.

So many aspects of life and work are infused with toxic patriarchal norms, expectations, and stereotypes. The need we feel to keep working, to avoid self-care because it’s labeled selfish, to not show emotions because we’ll be considered weak, or to behave aggressively, neglect family or compete ruthlessly to get promoted. Perhaps the most telling of all is the internalized anger and aggression feminists feel while they work to advance the rights of women and girls.

Put simply, patriarchy is a toxic pool that we all swim in – and sometimes it’s so pervasive we don’t even realize what is happening. Well, the good news is there are ways to unhook ourselves from the unhealthy ways of patriarchy. Here are seven of them:

1. Above all, be authentic. Consider this: if you’re not authentic, you won’t get anywhere with any quality. Pretense and lies are unsustainable ways of living and working. Not to mention exhausting and damaging. In this context, being authentic means discerning, acknowledging and being accountable for the ways in which you are still being influenced by the patriarchy. I administer self-assessments to help workshop participants understand how the patriarchy is affecting them.
2. Prioritize self-care. The patriarchy tells us to keep going, keep giving, and keep competing, which is a recipe for burnout. The alternative, and the feminist revolution, is to practice self-care consistently, and use wellness as the foundation for living and working well. Slow down often, and take care of you.
3. Heal your past inner wounds. We all carry the burden of past pain, from events that have left us scarred. Whether it’s sexual harrassment, abuse, unfair pay, or injustice at the hands of a toxic and patriarchal boss, we know what we’ve been through. It’s important to heal and release the past, so we can make room for the present, and build the future.
4. Challenge the status quo. It’s not enough to be aware of the toxic patriarchy, and to take care of ourselves. We must also question and challenge norms that create or perpetuate harm, so we can change the system in which patriarchy still thrives. This means speaking up whenever something is unfair, sexist, and questionable. It means knowing your rights, setting strong boundaries, and enforcing them.
5. Communicate and act without anger, but with mindfulness. Anger and aggression are hallmarks of the toxic patriarchy. When we embody harmful masculine energies, we harm the feminist movement instead of nurturing it. It is important to cultivate behaviors and speech that are encouraging, empathic, and gentle. We cannot help others build solutions while the problem controls us from the inside.
6. Build a supportive community of friends. It’s crucial to have self-validation, but also to have caring friends around you as sounding boards. A small group of like-minded people can make all the difference in navigating how to remove patriarchy from your own mind.
7. Choose a guide. Coaching, therapy, or counseling can be a bridge from your old way of thinking to your new one, giving you the opportunity to rely on a trained individual to help guide you through the messiness of many years of habitual thinking patterns, fears, and biases.

Share with us how you deal with the toxic patriarchy, and your tips for how to smash it.