Integritus Prime

I recently listened to a Mel Robbins podcast in which Ms. Robbins was hosting Rebecca Zung. Ms. Zung is one of America’s top lawyers, an author, and expert on narcissists. Her latest book, called Slay the Bully, is about how to deal with narcissists. The podcast was about narcissists and how to deal with them. It contained a ton of critical information about narcissists.

I’ve had my own experiences with narcissists, so I was keen to see what more I could learn through the podcast. I did learn a few new things, and overall found this podcast to be very useful and affirming. In this post, I discuss what narcissism is, types of narcissism, and relationship patterns with narcissists. In Part II, I discuss narcissistic supply, the relationship between narcissism and trauma, and how to deal with narcissists, including Ms. Zung’s SLAY technique. In both posts, I’ll note some highlights from the podcast that really resonated with me, share other knowledge I’ve been gathering, and reflect on examples from my life. Buckle up – it’s a bumpy ride!

1. Narcissists appear grandiose and strong, but they are filled with deep insecurity. In my experience, this insecurity happens because of sever abuse as children, and causes them to systematically and often brutally put other people down in order to feel good about themselves. Ms. Zung and Ms. Robbins confirmed this as their experience as well. Not everyone has narcissistic personality disorder, but there’s a spectrum and people could exhibit some characteristics. Some of the most common traits include extreme self-importance, obsession with power or fame, attachments to people who are famous or special, arrogance, entitlement, and lack of empathy.
2. There are seven or more types of narcissism, including covert, malignant, and grandiose – I also recently learned about vulnerable and communal narcissism. Let’s break it down.
   • Covert narcissists are stealthy – they seem like wonderful people and no one will believe how they keep putting you down with little comments. I dated one for a few years and felt like I was going crazy until I realized that he was a textbook covert narcissist.
   • The overt or grandiose narcissist is impulsive, self-obsessed, and lacks empathy – they are the easiest to recognize according to Ms. Zung. Sadly, I briefly dated one of these too – he followed the exact relationship pattern that narcissists go through – more on this below.
   • Malignant narcissists are the aggressive and dangerous ones who try to destroy your life and they don’t try to hide it – this type is a combination of narcissistic personality and antisocial personality disorders. I had a colleague once who tried so hard to destroy me within an organization – it was appalling until I realized her mental illness and left before things could get worse.
   • Vulnerable narcissists tend to oscillate between feeling superior and inferior, and get anxious when they don’t get special treatment.
   • As I recently learned through a client, communal narcissists tend to present themselves as experts in their field and believe they have the best social skills and helpfulness, when in fact they are often trying to meet their own needs for control and superiority.
   • Adaptive narcissism may coincide with covert and communal narcissism, and is about the person’s ability to adapt to their surroundings like chameleons, blending in as needed to protect themselves.
   • Maladaptive narcissists are the opposite, and do not blend in well, often unable to maintain relationships due to their hostility toward others and lack of empathy.
3. The narcissistic relationship pattern often contains the same four stages. These are the Love Bombing, Devalue, Discard and Hoovering phases (Ms. Zung talks about the first three).
   • In the love bombing phase, narcissists use mirror neurons to become what we want, according to Ms. Zung. This is a survival tactic for them so they can get what they want from us, and they quickly and relentlessly convince us that they are our soulmate. We fall head over heels, and become attached to the narcissist.
   • In phase 2, their true colors start to show, and we start to see the mask coming off. They value us less, and we feel hurt. When we complain, they deny and blame us, but sometimes their attention has already shifted to the next victim.
   • In the discard phase, we discard them, or they discard us, but the relationship ends.
   • After that, however, they may engage in what is called hoovering: they try to suck us back into the relationship using a variety of tactics, ranging from romantic to dangerous depending on the type of narcissist we are dealing with. They hoover because they want narcissistic supply, which I will explain in detail in Part II.

My Examples

My most insidious romantic relationships helped me learn a lot about the narcissistic relationship cycle. The first relationship, with a covert narcissist, was hell in the sense he kept putting me down with subtle comments, but then was nice to me to appease me when I got upset or wanted to leave the relationship. I felt like I was always at fault, and never good enough. Whenever I was hurt emotionally and cried, he got a high from it, because it proved to him how much control he had over me – he would then comfort me. When I left the relationship after some back and forth, I didn’t bother to tell our mutual friends the truth about him, because his carefully created image as the perfect caring boyfriend was well crafted in their minds. In retrospect, I saw the pains he went to, to establish this on social media and in group gatherings. The abuse only happened in private and was mostly verbal.

The second relationship was a brief one with a grandiose narcissist who followed the relationship cycle perfectly – he was my textbook and I learned the pattern so well that I have not repeated it since and never will. Mr. Grandiose love bombed me and I believed we were soulmates. Then he proceeded to pursue other women, and once I found out, he denied it and blamed me for being suspicious. I held my ground and when I confronted him again, he snapped and threw a tantrum (more on this in part II), designed to destroy my self-esteem. He also could not hide his jealousy whenever I traveled for work. He resented me for being who I was professionally: a successful consultant. Fortunately, I had started doing some research at this point and I told him I was onto him. He tried to play victim, tried to hoover me, but then left me alone out of fear of being exposed. I know he smeared me with his friends (those who are oblivious to his narcissism because he is kind to them), but I didn’t care by then. I was just glad to be free and to be able to heal.

Dealing with narcissists is very scary and exhausting. We feel we are losing a grip on who we are. The truth is, they create situations that trap us. However, despite all the destruction they cause, there are reasons for sending them love and compassion – more on this in Part II.