Integritus Prime

I woke up one morning and the situation I saw before me didn’t make sense at first. It required me to act immediately and with precision, relying on what I knew from past experience, and even more importantly, medical expertise from others. Suffice to say, I had to call our family doctor and an ambulance.

In the course of stabilizing my loved one, I observed and learned so much. Here, I share just five of the lessons I learned:

1. Insist on being proactive and positive: I initially could not reach the ambulance services, because no one was answering at any of the three numbers, so I called our doctor again and he made it happen. In the meantime, I did everything I could to prepare for the journey to the Accident and Emergency department. There, I was livid because of the lack of materials and services, but my anger didn’t help anyone. Instead, what helped was asking my friends for help – they brought everything that was needed, and we pushed forward into what was going to be a 17-hour ordeal.
2. Notice who your people are: In the crisis I faced, I was initially alone. However, my friends showed up (my family was out of the country), and supported me in ways that allowed me to feel that I could handle the situation. They brought supplies, gave me guidance and encouragement, and one of them even took the whole day off to provide support to me, while another sat with my loved one so I could go home to pick up medical records and take a shower. Two friends picked me up from the ICU after 11pm and brought me home when I was told I could not stay there with my loved one. I survived that day because of these friends.
3. Understand that crisis brings triggers: When we are in an emergency, it can trigger old wounds. For example, a friend approached me with a reprimand that I should have called her sooner, and I perceived it as a threat and began to shut down – being yelled at as a child means I tend to run away when people raise their voices at me. In this case, I fought back, saying I called the most qualified person first. And because I could not run away, I held my ground next to my loved one and asked the friend for space. Our doctor was also triggered, because they had lost a loved one and it was the anniversary of their loss when this crisis happened. Their task was to face their fear and save the patient in front of them, and they rose valiantly to the task despite their emotional pain.
4. Focus on milestones: Once my loved one was moved to the ICU, it became important to focus on next steps. I noticed the importance of taking things step by step: securing blood test results and medication supplies; ensuring my loved one was comfortable, had homemade food and was gaining confidence in terms of being able to move around; briefing visitors to ensure positive and not draining interactions; coordinating transportation and other needs for the arrival of family members; securing the right equipment for home care when my loved one was being discharged; and then ensuring safety and minimal stress until the follow up, and beyond. These milestones made it easier to handle the situation and not become overwhelmed, while also providing my loved one with reasons to make the effort to heal well.
5. Set boundaries: Not everyone was supportive during this time. The Accident and Emergency staff could have been more supportive and conscientious, so I did more on my own rather than relying on them. I set boundaries with relatives who thought they knew better, while being many miles away. I was mindful and assertive about what was okay and what was not okay. It was a lesson in taking charge and focusing on the wellbeing of my loved one, and not on the denial, wishes, or expectations of others who didn’t have a clear picture of the situation.
6. Count blessings: In the course of this experience, I noticed many blessings, and focused on those to keep me going. The first was my friends and their devoted presence throughout the ordeal: making and bringing food, water, clothes, bedding, and so much more and simply being there. I had shoulders to cry on, and hearts that steadied mine. The security guard at the ICU was angelic to us: he went over and beyond in allowing us to be there with our loved one, and even helped them down the stairs when the elevator broke. He felt like true family, beyond blood. The doctor and staff in the ICU and our family doctor were kind, and explained symptoms, treatment, and even helped me figure out the paperwork I needed to cancel our vacation. One of my friends got on the phone with one of the airline companies to secure a refund – I received so much help and I am so grateful for the ways in which love and support came pouring in.
7. Focus on Family: The crisis brought our immediate family closer than ever before, healing old painful memories and anxieties related to political upheavals to forge a new foundation of stronger bonds, more communication, a risk management perspective, and planning for the future. There came a realization for all of us that true family is more important than everything else, be it trauma, work, or distance. This closeness has brought our family to a new place: we are unified as one after many years of trying to put the pieces together, having lived in 3 countries.

I am grateful for all the learning I experienced in this emergency. Share with me your own lessons from crises you’ve faced…