Integritus Prime

I can’t help but detect patterns of behavior that stem from trauma. My own history of learning behavioral sciences, and being a survivor of child abuse, has resulted in this awareness.

Recently, I encountered a political series on Netflix that does an excellent job of portraying what unresolved trauma from child abuse looks like in adulthood. I will not give away the name of the show because it has a lot else to offer, and I don’t want to wander deeply into spoiler-land like I usually do. If you’re interested to watch it, write to me.

The character I’m referring to was sexually abused (including molestation and rape) by his father for over ten years. He was also abused by his father’s friends (gang rape). He was told to keep this a secret from his mother, because it would sadden her, which might cause her to leave them. He was told that keeping this secret was part of being a grown up. He was told that what was happening was a game.

At one point, the child stabbed his father, as a result of pent up rage and hatred and the desire to stop the abuse. He was put into a remand facility for juveniles because he was too young to be prosecuted, and when he emerged, he changed his name and ended up working at a very high level in national politics. His job was to use media channels to spin stories for his political party.

In his personal relationships, including romantic ones, this character displayed the following characteristics, directly as a result of the abuse and unresolved trauma:

1. Lack of trust in the romantic partner, even when he was in love with the person. This stems from not being able to trust his own father, who was supposed to love and protect him, and instead abused him.
2. Minimal intimate communication: this is from years of being forced to stay silent about the most horrible circumstances – he doesn’t know how to open up for internalized fear of abandonment.
3. Keeping of secrets: he keeps his past a secret, and changes his name, to avoid having to remember what happened, but he is haunted by it. He doesn’t share his secret, and the idea of doing so now carries a lot of fear.
4. Dishonesty: habitually misleading romantic partners, as this was ingrained from early childhood.
5. Distancing himself from the intimate partner through work commitments and infidelity, so that he need not experience intimacy, which reminds him of the abuse. Sex with no strings attached feels safer to him, because intimate relationships were the source of his trauma.
6. Non-committal: he is afraid to commit, going to the extent of pretending to commit to a different partner, to avoid the one he loves. Commitment holds the danger of abuse, which is embedded in his subconscious mind and controlling his behavior patterns.
7. Triggered to rage: When topics come up at work that relate to crimes committed by juveniles, the character is deeply triggered and vents his rage to the person he loves, and his boss, leading to his dismissal. He eventually shares his past with the woman he loves, but it takes him a long time, and even after this milestone, he carries a fear of having children of his own.

These behavior patterns, on the surface, can lead anyone to judge a person as bad, unethical, and wrong. What is crucial to remember is that these types of behaviors do not emerge for no reason: they exist because of childhood trauma. More and more films and episodic forms of entertainment are beginning to address this issue. A recent Netflix release, Rana Naidu, also carries a theme of child abuse.

As adults, we are each responsible for healing ourselves so we do not harm ourselves and others. Sadly, the vast majority of people do not seek help, and end up passing on these unhealthy coping mechanisms (and sometimes abuse too) to their children. Seeking help in the form of therapy, coaching, rehab (for addictions), and support groups is a signal that a person is taking courage and wanting to face their demons. Above all, it is important to have compassion, and strong boundaries when dealing with people who exhibit these types of behaviors.