Integritus Prime

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the men in my life, including family, friends, and clients. I spend a lot of time coaching women, but also have male clients who are dealing with the toxic effects of the patriarchy in various ways. Men are socially conditioned to be leaders, take charge, be stoic (not show emotions, which they correlate with weakness), and be providers. Even non-binary people and women who are overbalanced in their masculine energy will show these traits.

The toxic patriarchy requires men to conform to these harmful norms: suppress emotions, pretend everything is fine, focus on doing rather than being and feeling, and be well versed in sports, politics, and other topics. Of course, there are many men who have broken these norms. Sadly, there are many more that are still stuck, trying so hard to fit into a world that requires them to be something they are not. Many men die or become disabled by heart attacks and strokes because they have not taken the time to address accumulated emotions and stress, except through harmful coping mechanisms like drugs, sex, gambling, alcohol, nicotine, junk food diets, and not enough exercise.

Here are some tips for men who know they want to heal from harmful partiarchal conditioning:

1. Admit you need help: This is the first step for any person, regardless of gender. It is, however, harder for men because they are conditioned to not admit to needing help, especially of the emotional kind. So, the first step is to overcome this norm, and admit to yourself that you need guidance.
2. Get help: This step may become easier if Step 1 is achieved. It is important to seek out a professional who is detached from your situation, who can give you tools to try out, and support you in the changes you want to make.
3. Receive the help: Sometimes, even when we have secured a coach or therapist or counselor, we get in the way of receiving their help. This could happen because of fear, arrogance and other ego-related reasons. It is important to be honest, humble, and receptive in the coaching or therapy relationship, which is meant to be a safe space.
4. Take action: Next, we must act. We must change our behavior in ways that align with our desired goals. We can sit and listen to advice and collect tools all our lives, but nothing changes until we change what we are doing. Actions that need to change may include the way we talk to ourselves and others, the way we listen to our intuition, the way we react and respond when triggered, and many more.
5. Be patient: Healing from conditioning and trauma is non-trivial. It takes time, and is not an easy or quick process, so it’s critical to be in for the long haul, to be patient and not have unrealistic expectations. This is tough because sometimes, we might find ourselves wishing we could snap our fingers and make things different.
6. Be self-compassionate: As we journey inward, we may encounter internalized patriarchal attitudes and self-talk, such as: “Keep going, keep busy” or “That’s too emotional and soft, don’t do that, just focus on achievements.” and it is important to cultivate compassion for the self, so that there is a loving container in which you can slowly release these harmful norms and transition to a healthier you.
7. Trust the process: Once you have the right coach, counselor or therapist (and it’s important to keep trying until you do), it’s important to trust them and trust the process. Of course, this doesn’t mean being passive, it includes putting in your critical thought and asking questions, because you are the most important force in your healing process.

Share with me your journey or that of someone you’ve observed – did you or they follow similar steps?