How Abuse Becomes Normal: 2 Case Studies
In this post, I’ll share just 2 examples, of how individuals who have early childhood trauma can become abusive as a matter of normalcy. This post builds on an earlier piece I wrote about verbal abuse. For more real cases and analyses of behavioral patterns resulting from trauma, see my book: From Abused to Empowered: Recognizing and Releasing Behavior Patterns that come from Trauma.
These case studies are extrapolated from real examples I have encountered through my work as a trauma coach. I’ve seen several other examples of this pattern around the world. Trauma doesn’t discriminate by race, ethnicity, nationality, or anything really. Trauma is universal. And because trauma is so pervasive, it might even make sense to treat it as a public health issue.
Let’s look at how the behavior patterns of verbal abuse play out in each case. You may want to buckle up, it’s not an easy ride and the scenery isn’t pretty, but these are some ways in which trauma lives and breathes in every day life.
Case Study 1: Ms. Dramatic
Ms. Dramatic likes drama and intensity. It seems to follow her everywhere, because she creates it. Ms. Dramatic was sexually abused as a child. She is self-aware, functional, friendly and helpful. She seems wonderful, with the exception of her anger pattern, which comes up volcanically whenever she feels threatened. As a child, her anger had no viable outlet, so it has been stored in her psyche and body. When triggered, Ms. Dramatic explodes with wrath, verbally abusing the person who has unwittingly triggered her. She goes into fight or flight mode, choosing fight. Her words are scathing, and designed to destroy the self-esteem of her “opponent.” She chooses her words carefully and brutally to ensure every possible vulnerability can be exploited to ensure the person feels wounded. This is how we behave when our life is threatened. This coping mechanism of attack is misplaced, but Ms. Dramatic still uses it due to the underlying trauma that drives it. When she calms down, she denies being verbally violent or abusive. She denies even being angry or triggered. There is no breach as far as she can tell, in her behavior. Her rudeness, verbal attacks, and lack of accountability do not register in her mind as harming anyone. The pattern continues, and because of her inability or unwillingness to investigate it more deeply, the behavior proceeds to negatively affect others around her. For those on the receiving end of the attacks, Ms. Dramatic’s behavior seems unconscionable, and they may either end their connection with her, or protest and risk more chastisement from her instead of the accountability they seek. Family members tend to eventually accept her behavior and label it in some way, for example, by saying, “Oh she’s hard around the edges.” Because this is a knee-jerk response for her and under the radar or in her blindspot, Ms. Dramatic continues to move forward as though she has done nothing harmful. The consequential lost relationships, job opportunities, collaborations, and much more, are justified as “not meant to be.” The inherent self-sabotage isn’t acknowledged, and continues over time in a distinctly discernible pattern.
Case Study 2: Mr. Demonic
Mr. Demonic is an abusive boss. He was manipulated and made to feel worthless as a child by his family. What is most familiar to him is control, because he lost control and was controlled, so he displays that at work, where he wields authority. Mr. Demonic achieves control by at first befriending and finding out compromising information about his staff members, then using that intel to control their behavior, break their self-esteem, and use them as verbal punching bags. He flies into a rage at any given moment, shouting at his staff members in front of their colleagues. Similar to Ms. Dramatic, he exploits all he has learned about the individual he’s victimizing to render them shocked and powerless. He then carries on as though nothing has happened. He especially seeks power, because of deep-seated insecurities about being good enough. This manifests as a trigger around experts, whom he feels threatened by at work and in general. While Mr. Demonic shows his aggression and rage at work, where he has power, he can be very sweet to those who do not work directly for him, to ensure their support. This tactic is also a compensating mechanism for the inner insecurity and lack of self-worth, allowing him to align with powerful allies. The abuse at work continues and most staff members do not protest due to their own fears and lack of self-esteem, and because Mr. Demonic has private information about them. The abuse also perpetuates because those outside the organization do not see the rage fits, only the friendly and capable facade, so it’s difficult to make a case against him. Like Ms. Dramatic, he also sabotages relationships by using everyone as opportunities for control. Because his family mistreated him, he doesn’t trust anyone who gets close to him, instead pushing them away no matter how genuinely they might care about him.
In both cases, because trauma is embedded deeply in the minds of these individuals from an early age, it is difficult for them to unhook from it. The trauma they experienced isn’t their fault, but they have become identified with it. They associate closeness and family with abuse, and they fight back, in many cases inappropriately. While this does not excuse the abusive behavior, it can bring light to the fact that people who behave in this way may not understand or care about how much they damage others. Their subconscious focus is on self-protection. They are hooked on these coping mechanisms because they have yet to fully release their pain, anger, fear, and other negative emotions. Their abusive behavior toward others is a mechanism they use to feel powerful when they are hurting inside and feeling vulnerable. Most importantly, this anger pattern is so familiar and has been integral to their safety and perhaps even survival, so they don’t want to think about it or change it.
In fact, both the cases discussed here represent highly intelligent, functional, influential, emotionally aware, and sensitive people, but they use masculine aggression to hide their emotional fragility. Both are wounded in their feminine energies, and their masculine side is overly active, imposing control and anger when triggered to ensure they can “win out” in any situation via vicious verbal attacks.
These people require our understanding and compassion, but also strict boundaries that encourage them to be accountable for their behavior as adults. If we are on the receiving end of such behavior we must seek help for ourselves – coaching, therapy, counseling, or at least a friend who can listen.
If only such individuals are able to admit to their abuses and seek consistent and effective help, they could get to the root of their condition and remove it or at least manage it without harming others and sabotaging their own relationships and goals. If properly healed, these leaders could truly excel at their endeavors, and build professional and personal relationships that are healthy and flourishing.
Verbal abuse has lasting negative effects, including unstable and angry personalities. When the abuse is physical, sexual, and violent, serial killers and rapists emerge. We really need to work on trauma if we are to build a better world for our children. It isn’t feasible to carry forward the trauma of our past; we must uproot it and begin again.
Drop me a note if these case studies resonate with you and if you want to learn how to better cope with trauma inside you or around you. We all have some degree of trauma, and it’s important to remove the stigma around it so we can face it head on.
Trauma from early childhood, when unreleased, can lead to abusive behavior patterns in adults. These adults consider their behavior normal, because it’s so familiar to them from an early age. Photo by Peter-Forster on Unsplash.