Integritus Prime

Recently, I’ve been reflecting on my usual fearful behavior when it comes to cockroaches. I have a phobia, and usually my reaction goes something like this:

1. Scream at the top of my lungs for help upon initial sighting;
2. Run for my life while hyperventilating;
3. Sit on the sofa or bed and cover myself from head to toe with a blanket to avoid any contact whatsoever with the cockroach;
4. Scream extra loudly if I peek and it’s the flying kind;
5. Try not to peek and pray that the cockroach doesn’t come in my direction.

Often, my phobia results in my fearless exterminator, Dr. Margaret (Mom), coming to my rescue. She squashes the cockroach and puts it outside or in the bin, and once I’m convinced that the creature is gone, I unfurl myself and begin to breathe normally.

However, I am often guilty after these encounters, because the cockroach had to lose its life because of my fear. Often, the cockroach that startles me is in a hotel room. One time when this happened, Mom came back after killing it, and mentioned it had been a mother cockroach who had just tried to deposit her egg sac in my toilet bag.

Knowing this increased my guilt levels. I felt that I had caused the ending of multiple lives. Since then, I’ve taken time to read about how resilient cockroaches are. I have been telling myself to simply accept them and stop being so afraid of them. I’ve also tried hard to control my breathing in the last few sightings.

As it happens, it’s been a long while since a sighting, which means I’ve been happier.

The night before last, however, I was alone in a hotel room and as I came out of the shower, drying myself with a towel, I saw it. The cockroach was on the wall, and looking at me. I picked up a shoe with my right hand, holding the towel precariously over my half-wet body with my left hand, and noticed my heartbeat thudding speedily in my chest.

Then I did something I’ve never done before.

I started speaking to the cockroach.

I said:

I really don’t want to kill you. Maybe you could go outside?

I really don’t want to kill you. Please go outside

I proceeded to clumsily open the door and close it a couple of times, as if this would provide a hint to the cockroach. I kept repeating the same message.

A moment passed. Then another.

Suddenly, the cockroach was gone! I looked around but didn’t see it scurrying. It had left through the door in a flash and I hadn’t even seen it go. But clearly, it was no longer there.

I gently put my shoe down, completed drying myself, and sat down. I had negotiated with a cockroach, and whether or not it had understood anything, it had departed my room. No one had to die.

This was an improvement for me, and unprecedented in my life. I am still reflecting and grateful for this experience. I feel I took one step closer to conquering this fear. As someone who works on behavior change all the time, this is one of my most humbling journeys.

What helps you with phobias?