Integritus Prime

Typically, parents want to decide what is good or ‘right’ for their babies and children. This starts as soon as the babies are born, with how to dress them, what color the clothes will be and of course, the children’s names. As the children grow older, parents decide which school to send them to, what kind of meals to pack for them, what type of friends they should have, and many other things. When children are young, they may not be able to tell the difference between caring and interfering parents. As they grow into adults, interference becomes more apparent.

As children start growing up and becoming self-aware, they begin to develop boundaries, and their own likes and dislikes. This is usually a signal for parents to become guides, friends and mentors. Parents need to provide their children with opportunities to choose for themselves, advising them of the pros and cons of their choices and possible consequences.

This is the Internet era, hence there’s a lot of information available publicly and parents could help point out authentic and reliable sources of information to their children. Giving advice or asking children to research and evaluate their choices and make informed decisions; teaching them other life skills, including financial management, cooking, and how to maintain good physical and mental health – these are examples of good parenting.

Interfering parents continue to decide for their children what they should and should not be doing even when the children have grown into adults. Some parents even dictate the choice of their children’s romantic partners, homes, and cars. This usually leads to children being insecure, not trusting their own judgment, feeling trapped and eventually developing conflicts with their parents.

The important issue here is to realize that parents can evolve to act differently from what they experienced as children. If your parents were always interfering with your life even when you knew what you wanted, chances are you will internalize that behavior subconsciously and repeat it with your children. Most of the time we repeat and practice what we learn as children and young adults.  

Constantly interfering in the lives of our adult children will drive them away. They will not want to live close to you, or discuss with you their choices or plans. To have a harmonious relationship with our children we need to become friends with them as they grow into adulthood. We need to provide them with information and support, and encourage them to make their own decisions. Also, we can be there there for them if they make mistakes. Often, learning by making a mistake is a better teacher than being told what to do. The latter brings resentment.

Friends and family can support each other to learn not to be interfering but being supportive to children.

In the next blog, we look at why parents interfere, signs of controlling parents and how to cope with this as an adult.

Share with us your initial thoughts about interfering parents.

This blog is written by the ever energetic Wellness Advisor to Alchemus Prime, Dr. Margaret Cornelius.