Integritus Prime

I am preparing to travel as I write this – heading to a gathering of dynamic women who are advancing the feminist agenda – working hard to make gender equality a reality. The more I work with feminists, the more I notice their dedication, passion, and tireless work to make our world a better place. While it’s commendable, there is also a strong foundation of patriarchy buried underneath all that devotion to ending all forms of discrimination against women, girls and gender non-conforming people.

That foundation may contain, on one hand the desire to work nonstop, and not show any signs of “weakness” which is associated with rest and self-care. On the other hand, the endless grooming women put themselves through to appear beautiful by patriarchal standards. In some sense, self-care becomes about patriarchy. My observation of the feminists I work with is the former: they work themselves to the bone, carrying guilt that they might not be doing enough.

As a coach, and even as a facilitator, my goal is always to help every person I interact with be their authentic self. This can be very complicated for feminists, because we identify with those who are being persecuted, take on their suffering, and become angry or angrier. This anger combines with the tendency to push ourselves harder and work in ways that fits nicely with the toxic patriarchy: being stoic, not taking breaks, viewing emotions, slowing down and self-care as signs of weakness, and so on.

We need to listen to our bodies, and slow down when we are tired and need rejuvenation. This, too, can become complicated by our own trauma – we receive signals from our bodies that spur us on, consciously or subconsciously. For instance, we don’t feel safe, or we want to avoid the pain we hold inside. As a result, we overwork, keeping ourselves so busy that we don’t have time to acknowledge our real inner state. We don’t make time for the inner work we need to do so we can live more authentically. Instead, we stay stuck in patterns that allow traumatic behaviors to linger.

We may also turn to the abuse of food, alcohol, drugs, money, or other addictions as coping mechanisms that hurt us more, causing ongoing accumulation of negative impact. Sadly, many feminists in Fiji, where I am currently based, are abusive to their colleagues, using patriarchal tactics to control, manipulate and destroy the feminist movement from within. This implosion can only be addressed by admitting we need help, and then getting that help.

There is hope, however, and this comes in the shape of new feminist initiatives that uplift self-care and justice for women and marginalized communities. The trick is to maintain balance as we do this work, lest we submit to achieving ends that the means cannot justify. What good is our effort to uproot patriarchy from society when we have yet to uproot it from ourselves? Surely the inner and outer realities must be healed in tandem.

Share with me your views on this subject…let’s learn and grow together.